did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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