If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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