I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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