I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
