Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
