Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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