I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
