dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
