wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
