I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
