I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i drank out of a bidet.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
