So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
