im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
