I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
