Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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