My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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