I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
