dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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