I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
