Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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