If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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