My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
