Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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