Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
