Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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