He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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