Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
