I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
