My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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