You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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