Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
