I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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