this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
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I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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