all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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