So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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