My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
