Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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