sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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