Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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