i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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