Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
