walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
