I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
