My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
