two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
