Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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