he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
