and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
