Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
