i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
