i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
