dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
