No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
