after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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