I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
